Eight Dates by John Gottman [Book Summary – Review]


Love is an unstable thing. By most of us, it has been felt love at any point in our lives, and by many of us, it is been in love with the people we are valued to call our partners now. However, whether you are new in love or have been together for a long time, there is no problem that you have times of uncertainty about your partnership. Perhaps you are curious about this was the correct person for you or that you could dream that you were getting old with your partner. Are your aims, characters, and beliefs compatible?

Thanks to his summary, it is helped you answer like these issues and bring more love to your relationship. In each section, it will be summed one of the eight dates that all couples should continue, and each date will focus on an area that couples demand to talk to improve relationships.

The queue of days is not significant. Consider which one suits you, but ensure to go through the whole of them. When you read these episodes with your partner, you can take the highest effectiveness, moreover, if you want to read the exact page, at nights, read together.


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Chapter 1 – The basic building block for any achievement long-term relationship is assurance and loyalty.


Each relationship reaches a point where loyalty begins to change. Perhaps, by you, interesting someone has been met and you start thinking about how your life could be with them rather than your partner. It is something to dream briefly about this alternative world. Doing this frequently is another. In this example, by you, it may be experienced a lack of loyalty to your present relationship.

Regardless of your commitment, it suggests being there for your spouse. Rather than letting you participate in situations that might guide yourself to infidelity, by you, it is avoided these cases altogether, because you know that they will negatively affect trust in your relationship. And rather than looking for others without your partner’s flaws, you speak openly about your emotions and requirements with your spouse. This is an actual loyalty, and whole long-term relationships are based on it.

Trust is the cornerstone of loyalty. The thing that is oxygen, which supports each relationship breath, is trust. Trust is not something that occurs in a night, it’s about supporting a relationship grow for months and years. It was built by being on time, holding its word, and forever being there for your spouse when they required it. On the contrary, trust is broken when it does the reverse of things or behave deceitfully.



Talking is one of the most significant ways to reliance on a relationship. Thanks to this, it is taken to the first of eight dates, which is whole about faith and loyalty. Identify what reliance and loyalty suggest to you individually before the date. Thinking about your family and how reliance and loyalty influence growth in your family life can assist. Furthermore, try to find a few samples of how your partner recently demonstrated their loyalty to you.

It is time to speak when the night of the date comes. In turn, “When did you last believe me and what could I do contrarily?” Or maybe “What can I do to demonstrate that I am devoted to you and our relationship?” Eventually, “What are the differentiation between our descriptions of reliance and loyalty, and how are we able to solve them?”


Chapter 2 – The thing, that is part and parcel of any relationship, are conflicts, however, there is a right way to argue.


By every couple, it is argued. The struggle can be a therapeutic and also a healthy way for couples to declare their differentiation and find out more about individually other. According to research, it is demonstrated that couples who can handle the conflict are the happiest ones, hear to their spouse and try to comprehend their point of opinion. However, if done wrong, the fight can worsen unbalanced relationships and guide to events that cause uncompromising interruptions.

Continue on the second date to make sure that your relationship does not progress on this path. This date is all about dealing with conflict. Before proceeding, by you, it should be identified as possible conflict regions in your relationship.

Begin by preparing a list for the most significant differentiation between you separately. Maybe you and your spouse have diverse approaches to drugs and alcohol. Or maybe there are diverse definitions of washing around the house. When listing whole these discrepancies, examine potential ways to meet each other’s choices. However, be prepared to admit the probability that some discrepancies cannot be solved again.



Time is to go out on your date, thanks to this exercise. It is best to keep this date in a more special place if things get hot. Speak and listen in turn. Review your lists of differences one by one, describe why the problem matters to you, and find possible compromises. It might too be a great opinion to argue how each of you is dealing with conflicts in your families, as this can instantly affect how you deal with today’s conflict.

Now, it is probable that this date finishes with a struggle. Fortunately, there are some ways to recover these raw wounds immediately and turn the struggle into a training experience. For instance, describe how you felt during a fight after the fight has calmed down. Examine to understand what triggers to escape this conflict in the future. Eventually, discuss how you can behave differently in your next fight. Was there a dot where your partner over the line? Find ways to participate more effectively in the conflict.


Chapter 3 – There are some tough issues for various couples and these topics can be gender and intimacy, however, it must be talked about the topics by them.


When it comes to speaking about “birds and bees,” by most couples, it is got into trouble. In the case, cum the minority of couples, it is spoken about sex. This is an unlucky situation because even if the act of just speaking about sex, it can guide to more enjoyable sex. According to studies, it is demonstrated that couples who openly argue their sex lives have more sex than those who don’t. And women who have more often orgasms are found in these couples.

However, for many couples, especially for couples with different backgrounds, the next date on our list can cause some challenges. Let’s take a couple, Katya and Ethan. While Katya grew up in a family discussing sex, but by Ethan, it was said that his father was going to have passed out if it was heard the word “vagina” by his father. Growing from these very strange backgrounds indicated that it was hard for them to speak about sex. However, with the help of the questions given by the writers, Ethan and Katya entered a thriving date of sex and intimacy. They could argue what they liked and disliked about their sex life.

Before moving on to the questions, let’s look at the place that is a significant part of this sex and intimacy date. By you, it should be aimed for a candlelit dinner at a restaurant or aim at a secluded beach bay or a communal field. After all, thing, that must be romantic, is the date – if it goes well, it can fall in love. It is ensured to wear something sexy by you!

Before your appointment, think about how to approach sex with your spouse. If it is hard to speak about sex, ensure to think about why. There is no right way to do this speech at the end of the day. Candidness and openness are the switches.



After the appointment begins, it’s time to investigate and answer some issues. What are your preferred sexual experiences that you and your spouse share? What are they doing that opens you? What sexual activities do you desire to approve, but you never dare to ask? When answering these questions, keep a few things in memory. First, try to be as specific as potential, for instance, to describe which parts of your body you desire to touch. Or what are your preferred sexual behaviors? Guiding the confusion is just uncertainty.


Chapter 4 – An inseparable part of a victorious relationship is solving problems that are related to business and cash.


Before the 1960s, men served, while by women, it was taken care of their homes the early-traditional and sexist configuration. Notwithstanding important changes over the past decades, the division of operation in a partnership yet poses an issue.

Business is not just a paid job. If by you, it is selected someone to make this for you, the annual cost of working free around the house is about $ 90,000. Moreover, according to the Pew Research study in 2007, it was discovered that the third most significant component of a long-term marriage proper after being faithful to her partner and healthy sex life is to share housework.

When the workforce is mentioned as a topic, it is remarkable for each couple to find a happy medium wage and contribution around the house. More importantly, it should be talked often about whether you think you are making equal efforts regularly. The fourth date is not just about discovering a balance in this field. It is also related to balance the fruits of your effort – cash.

Like in earlier dates, what can perform a huge role in the way we notice the world is family history. The thing that isn’t exception is cash.

Let’s take Trevor and Adam. While Trevor enjoyed spending, Adam was more prone to avoid spending. The reason for this was the distinctive childhood experiences with cash. By Trevor’s father, it had been having forever promised to take them on adventures, but when he was at 35, he died. When by Adam, large sums of money were taken as an inherited, by Trevor, it was thought it was the most excellent way to spend it on travel. However, Adam grew up poor and his family had no money to withdraw. He also preferred to put his heritage directly in a savings account while desiring to travel.



Thanks to these distinct, it is highlighted the significance of preparing for your business and money appointment. That includes asking yourself some money-related questions about your family history is this preparation. Has your family accumulated? Have you received regular holidays? How frugal are your family? After answering these questions, it’s time to go on a date – and it should be as inexpensive as potential – this time there are no fancy restaurants. Consider going home and taking the date at home.

Share your family history with cash in order. Proceed by sharing three ways your spouse promotes the relationship (monetary or differently) that you appreciate. And be sure you are clear about your expectations and anxieties for cash and the future.


Chapter 5 – The serious things are decisions about family and children and should be argued comprehensively.


Whether they have kids is the only thing that can be an actual deal-breaker for a couple. This can also count as a bank crusher. In the United States, the cost of raising a kid until when they get at 18 takes an average of $ 233,610.

However, the possible issues of raising kids do not finish there. John Gottman, who was one of the writers, beheld a 67 percent decrease in matrimonial happiness in couples with one child within four years of marriage. And this matrimonial happiness does not get back until the child leaves the home – if, by the parents, it has not been divorced from this point before. So what suggestions can potential or existing parents track when they desire to escape this?

Beginning, both spouses must participate in the pregnancy and childbirth of the child, without considering whether you have a gender or hetero or same-sex relationship. According to research on heterosexual relationships, it is demonstrated that when the father participates in pregnancy, there is less chance of conflict and a higher chance of maintaining matrimonial happiness.

Second, parents require to prioritize their proximity to each other. This includes ensuring that you connect frequently with date nights or only through constant communication. What is stressful is raising a child and you require to interact and abstain from leaving. With that in mind, it’s time to design your next date night. This is going to be entirely about family and children and must get a place in a place regularly visited by children. Think of a public park or a family-friendly restaurant.



Issues that you and your spouse must ask each other on this date are possible pretty clear. Of course, the elephant in the place is your excellent family opinion. Does it involve kids? If so, how many? What kind of problems can you encounter while raising kids? How are you able to stop or solve these issues?

If you have previously made a decision that you do not desire kids, this does not suggest that you have to skip the date. In the end, the family includes more than only children. In this situation, you may think about asking your spouse’s closest family. What can you do to make your relationship stronger with this family? Note that this can be a relative or friend.


Chapter 6 – The inseparable parts of each successful relationship are play and adventure.


Do you remember that was the last time you and your spouse went on an adventure? Or behaved you be a little ridiculous together? If you’re having trouble memorizing, it’s possible to time to play some games in your relationship. The significance of having enjoyment with your spouse cannot be neglected. Unfortunately, in today’s world of long working times and stressful family requirements, the game is often below our to-do list.

If this seems acquaintance, think about how you can improve joy in your relationship. Howard Markman, who is the manager of the Center for Marriage and Family Research at the University of Denver, it is examined the fun that couples have had fun since 1996. According to him, the numbers talk for themselves – couples, who play and smile frequently, are happier ones.

The sixth appointment is related to game and adventure. To prepare, consider the whole of the fun things you can do with your spouse. Especially things that you haven’t done for a long time or have never tried. Do you remember that was the last time you went to a concert? Fun Fair? Have you ever attended dance lessons together? How about playing only in the mud on a rainy vacation day?

When there is a list of potential events, it’s time to make a fun date planning! Try to be as natural as potential. Why not leave a day job and make an appointment in the morning? Or in the center of the night? The sky is the boundary of how imaginative you can be on this date.



When you are in an appointment yourself, you require to take time to have some communication. What does the adventure describe for you and your spouse? Was the last thing you can remember about this just about having fun? What adventures do you desire to entrance on before death?

Be sure to contrast your preparation marks throughout the date. What events do you have on both programs? Some couples may discover that their opinion of ​​entertainment is quite distinct. However, don’t be afraid of that. Don’t forget that having fun is frequently about trying novel things. What are some things you can dream of trying on your spouse’s list? Don’t forget, doing novel things together holds the relationship new!


Chapter 7 – The thing that is fixed in each relationship is to grow, and discovering spiritual descriptions can be part of it.


By some, it is said the change is great. By others, it is said the change is needed. What is unavoidable is the change in relationships. We observe ourselves changing, our spouses change, and our relationships change. Some relationships finish because of unresolvable districts in aims or characters. However, couples that support every person’s changes and assist them to grow as a couple is the greatest couple.

Let’s take Erica and Jake. To accomplish her dream of becoming a painter, Erica decided to quit high-paid marketing work at a large technology company. By Jake, she was supported each step of the way, because he knew how significant it was to her. Their money wiped up and they had to shrink their apartments. By them, basic comforts were given up such as cable television. However, at each step of the journey, they spoke about changes in their environment and continued to encourage each other with these life-changing decisions. In the words of Erica – they have “the best life ever”. Although they may not have cash, they have a purpose and they have each other.



Let’s hold in your mind Erica and Jake as you plan for date number seven that are related to growth and spirituality. What you need to complete before the past is to determine which targets you shared with your education spouse. Do you think that sharing the exact targets? Are your successes appreciated by your spouse? What do you desire to succeed when you arrive old age?

By you, it can also be brought a thing honoring your spouse on this date. A photo or other personal objects connected to them can be. When it’s time to go to date, there are many questions you can ask about spirituality. Was your spouse devout when the person was a child? What do they think sacred? How do they discover inner peace in difficult times? What faiths would they pass on to their kids? Spirituality goes hand in hand with sense and change, so be prepared for some intense, philosophical discussions on this date!


Chapter 8 – Forever grace your spouse’s imaginations to build a love for perpetuity.


There are found dreams of everybody, but by many of us, it cannot be found time to track them. In modern life, it can be made it difficult for a family to work full-time and to arrange imaginations. However, at this point, having a partner comes into play. Partners should constantly assist them fulfill their illusions, even if it means sacrificing their dreams. Sometimes you need to put your dreams on hold while supporting your spouse to reach them. They are going to do the exact for you when the time comes.

By Doug and Rachel, it was done exactly just that. They were integral and absolutely in love in the first days of their relationship. However, Doug had a dream – he desired to go to Israel for a year to discover his roots. Although she was sad at the beginning, by Rachel, it was known that she could not stand in front of his dreams. So, he is encouraged to explore her.

After his arrival, he designed to attend her in New York and start climbing his career steps. However, Rachel’s dreams had changed. She got a decision about going to a medical school which is 3000 miles away from New York. The decision for him was open – he quit his dreams in New York and moved with her. Thanks to his sacrifice, it made Rachel felt loved. During both experiences, they have educated to grace each other’s dreams and sometimes put them on hold.

Thanks to this tale, we are brought us to the subject of the final date which is dreams.



To get ready for this date, make a list down all your dreams, a list of the tales behind it, and how your spouse can support you reach them. You must also note the shared ideas you argued earlier and how you can assist reach each other. The place of this dreamy history should be motivating – maybe by you, it can be watched a beautiful sunset somewhere.

Now time is getting to deepen. Questions to answer and ask to involve whether you have dreams as a kid, whether your parents assisted make your dreams come true, and which of your dreams are most significant to you. After you learn your partner’s imaginations, it’s your choice for you to comprehend how to respect them. So, you can improve your relationship last forever.


Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by John M. Gottman Book Review


Whether you are in a long period partnership or honeymoon stage, the thing, that is each relationship depends on, is great communication. Strengthen the durability and quality of your relationship, meet frequently, appreciate every other’s businesses, and speak. By the dates, it was suggested in these sections consist of talking about difficult issues such as keeping love, learning how to use the conflict, and having children. Above all, take time to examine your partner’s goals and what are you able to do to assist them to come true.


Be prepared and careful when communicating with your spouse.

The thing, that is a two-way street is a conversation and when your spouse speaks, your attention should not be distracted by you. Listening is as significant as speaking. Close your smartphone, keep eye contact, and care for your partner and what they say. Asking appropriate subjects when your spouse has finished talking is one method to present politeness. For instance, you may ask that “Are you able to describe this a little more?” or “Is there a tale that correlates to what you only said?” Thanks to that, it will be shown that you are actively hearing and they can count on you as a speech spouse.



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Savaş Ateş

I'm a software engineer. I like reading books and writing summaries. I like to play soccer too :) Good Reads Profile: https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/106467014-sava-ate

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