Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward, Donna Frazier (Book Summary)


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Have you at any point felt regretful subsequent to stating you couldn’t support a companion or relative? Did it originate from you or would it say it was something the other individual said that made you feel it? In the event that it’s the last mentioned, odds are you’ve been liable to emotional blackmail. In any case, isn’t that a bit too solid a word for our social communications? 



Not by any stretch of the imagination. The greater part of us has been the casualty of passionate coercion sooner or later in our lives. Once in awhile, it’s self-evident, different occasions it’s harder to see. One thing’s without a doubt: it leaves us feeling truly lousy. In these squints, we’ll meet couples from the creator’s treatment practice who demonstrate to us how emotional blackmail functions – and what we can do to not share in it. 


1 – Emotional Blackmail is an unobtrusive type of control that may shape a portion of our nearest connections.


When you consider blackmail, spilled government privileged insights or composed wrongdoing may be the principal things that rung a bell. Be that as it may, blackmail is something that occurs in our private lives, as well. Emotional blackmail might hide behind a portion of your nearest connections. 

Like different sorts of coercion, the emotional blackmail is established in a principal danger. For the most part, it’s something along the lines of “In the event that you don’t do this for me, you will endure the outcomes.” 

Exemplary emotional blackmail happens when somebody takes steps to cut off an association when she realizes the other individual thinks a lot about her to give that a chance to occur, and that the individual would successfully anticipate it whenever constrained. 

Basically, at whatever point individuals take steps to cause you to endure on the off chance that you don’t give them what they need, you’re in effect genuinely extorted. Odds are, you’ve been emotionally blackmailed in excess of a bunch of times through an amazing span. 

So for what reason do we let it transpire? The issue is that it’s very simple to walk straight into a blackmailer’s snare without acknowledging it. Emotional blackmail occurs in cozy connections, as the blackmailer knows you and your shortcomings great. 



For example, a blackmailer may defeat somebody who prides herself on her liberality, sympathy, and loyalty by calling her eager, heartless and dishonest. Except if, obviously, she does what the blackmailer needs her to do. 

Notwithstanding the profound mental enduring this conduct causes, emotional blackmail stays hard to perceive for another reason: we would prefer not to see it. Let’s be honest, the way that your cherished one is controlling you is a severe truth to swallow. 

A significant number of us would prefer to choose not to see. Be that as it may, on the off chance that you’ve chosen it’s an ideal opportunity to get rid of harmful connections throughout your life, stay tuned for the following part. 


2 – To understand emotional blackmail, there are six indications.


We can look at six indications which describe emotional blackmail to understand it, although it is difficult to differentiate. These indications are; desire, resistance, pressure, threats, compliance and, finally, repetition.

Emotional blackmail starts with a person’s craving being obstructed by the resistance. Anna and Artie were a couple seeing the creator together for treatment. Artie needed to move in with Anna – that was his longing. Although Anna profoundly thought about Artie, she wasn’t prepared to live with him yet. Her resistance to Artie’s desire was the importance of having her own space.

The following phase of emotional blackmail is set apart by the side effects of pressure and threats. For this situation, Artie didn’t regard Anna’s requirement for her own space and began to push her in the expectations that she would alter her perspective. 

He would discuss how he needed to take their relationship to the following level since he was focused on her. He would even inquire as to whether she truly cherished him or thought about the relationship as he did. 



The issue here was that, despite the fact that Artie requested sympathy, comprehension, and consent to his wants from Anna, he didn’t offer her these things by any stretch of the imagination. Rather, his weight raised to progress toward becoming hidden enthusiastic dangers as he announced he may leave her on the off chance that they couldn’t live respectively. 

Be that as it may, it didn’t end there. Compliance and repetition, what makes emotional blackmail extremely dangerous are the last two indications of it. Once Artie was effective and Anna yielded to his will, he won her compliance through her dread of harming or losing him. 

What’s more regrettable, this compliance is the start of an elusive slant: Artie turned out to probably rehash this procedure once he learned he could blame Anna for gathering his requests, making repetition and an endless loop of emotional blackmail.


3 – FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt) prevents us from seeing emotional blackmail.


We figured out the fact that it was so natural to deliberately ignore emotional blackmail in the main part. Presently how about we investigate how the FOG which is fear, obligation, and guilt, of emotional blackmail keeps us from seeing the genuine condition of our connections. 

Fear is one of the things that triggers emotional blackmail the most. The blackmailer carries on of dread, utilizing it as a weapon against their accomplice. Individuals inclined to manipulative conduct are regularly determined by a ground-breaking trepidation of relinquishment extra from negative youth encounters. This profound dread of relinquishment can make individuals control others they care about when they dread they aren’t genuinely adored. 

For instance, take Margaret and Mark’s story. As a wedded couple, Margaret was the provider who given to the two. Imprint furtively expected that his significant other would leave him for somebody who was in an ideal situation monetarily and expertly. So what did he do? 



Mark coerced Margaret into remaining close to him by reminding her how discouraged she felt when she was single, and cautioning her that no other man would take her in the event that they split. She loathed this, yet was too reluctant to even think about speaking out against it because of a paranoid fear of Mark leaving her. 

Commitment and blame are coercion weapons that go connected at the hip with one another. When they emerge normally, these emotions are consummately typical. Be that as it may, when utilized in extortion, commitment and blame can make us feel lost and powerless. 


A mother inclined to controlling her adult kids may utilize commitment and blame to get them to take her on an excursion. She may allude to how she put such a great amount into raising them, how it’s the least they could do to demonstrate their thankfulness, or that it’s basically what minding youngsters would do. 

Obviously, if her kids are careless and scarcely go through a second considering her, maybe these cases may be progressively suitable. Be that as it may, if her children are persistently liberal and committed to her, that is the point at which she’s going too far. 

Each relationship is unique, however, when dread, commitment, and blame are utilized to cross typical limits, it’s an instance of emotional blackmail. We’ll investigate how you can survey your very own connections in the following squint, remembering their special qualities. 


4 – A drive to locate a reasonable arrangement means isolating different clashes from the passionate shakedown itself.


Not all contention in relationships is an instance of emotional blackmail. How might you tell? The key contrast is whether your accomplice truly needs to discover an answer or whether he essentially needs to win. 

Individuals who effectively endeavor to determine clashes will talk straightforwardly about what they need while thinking about their accomplice’s emotions and wants. They attempt to unmistakably and helpfully discover the wellspring of the pressure and comprehend and acknowledge proprietorship for their commitment to it. 

We see this in the tale of Jack and Jill. They’d been hitched for quite a while, and one day Jack admitted to Jill that he’d been unfaithful. 

Jill was disturbed and hurt normally. In the wake of setting aside some effort for herself to think about her emotions, she requested that he recommit to a restrictive relationship and to go to couples treatment with the goal that their marriage could proceed. 

Jill guaranteed that she wouldn’t utilize the reality of Jack’s unfaithfulness against him to get what she needed later not far off. Regardless of the intricacy and tragic nature of such clashes, they are additionally a chance to make a relationship more grounded than any time in recent memory if the two individuals exhibit regard, are unguarded with each other and set limits, as Jill did. 



While Ron and Rori confronted a comparable issue in their marriage after Ron conceded his betrayal, the result was fairly unique. Not at all like Jill, Rori utilized Ron’s errors as ammo when she needed something from him, regardless of whether it was his full focus or costly exhibits. 

In the meantime, the purposes behind Ron’s disloyalty and the way to their compromise got no consideration by any stretch of the imagination. By blame stumbling Ron at whatever point she could, Rori was executing emotional blackmail. 


5 – Casualties of emotional blackmail ought to in no way, shape or form become empowering influences.


However a few of us more than others, we are all vulnerable to emotional blackmail. Everything comes down to a bunch of qualities that make certain individuals increasingly helpless. These incorporate the requirement for approval from others, trouble with encounter, low confidence and a longing to spare others. Individuals with these qualities are probably going to organize the blackmailer’s needs over their own. 

This was the situation with Elliot and Eve, a craftsman couple. Elliot was very effective, while Eve was simply beginning. Eve moved in with him at an opportune time in their relationship to set aside cash. Later on, she communicated enthusiasm for taking visual communication classes, however, Elliott was completely against the thought. 

He felt that she was forsaking him by exploring new territory all alone – notwithstanding contending with him. On the morning of her top of the line, he verbally assaulted her, requesting to know why she was so obstinate on harming him thusly. 



A piece of Eve realized that going to class was the correct thing for her to do. But then, her failure to deal with exceptional encounters made her uncertainty herself. She remained at home and dropped the course. 

Blackmail doesn’t happen just once, it turns into a cycle as we probably are aware. We feel embarrassed as our trustworthiness and self-esteem have been undermined when we yield to blackmail. Along these lines, our purpose to oppose coercion is significantly flimsier whenever around. 


This was the situation with Eve. Subsequent to dropping out of her group, she was overwhelmed with self-hatred and was befuddled about and startled of her duty regarding Elliot’s prosperity. Elliot, in the meantime, knew precisely how to force Eve into consistency who gave in more promptly each time. 

The exercise here? Despite the fact that casualties of coercing aren’t at fault for it occurring, they are in charge of opposing the reality of its reality. For those questioning their capacities to oppose extortion, the following flicker gives the fundamental strides to guarantee you keep your trustworthiness flawless. 


6 – Stop extortion from the beginning by reacting at your own pace and impartially watching the circumstance.


How might we abstain from falling prey to emotional blackmail? Here are a couple of basic advances you can take. 

The first is to oppose response to the blackmailer’s incitements. Blackmailers may endeavor to make an environment of pressure that makes unfortunate casualties feel like they need to agree promptly or keep on anguish. To stay away from this, be firm and get yourself some time. 

Lines as “I don’t have a response for you at the present time, so give me some an opportunity to think” and “I’m not prepared to settle on a choice now. How about we talk about it later” are extraordinary to keep close by. Regardless of whether blackmailers don’t respond genially to this, don’t give yourself a chance to get worked up: basically, rehash your announcement and remain quiet. 

Keep in mind, their course of events does not characterize yours. You have your own needs which are similarly as significant as theirs. Take the time you have to think about your reaction to contention, and you’ll be en route to separating manipulative examples in your relationship. 

The following activity is confined yourself from the circumstance. The separation gets some point of view on the contention. In case you’re thinking that it’s difficult to see things, all things considered, take a stab at asking yourself the accompanying inquiries: “What does my accomplice need? How could he ask me? How could he respond when I didn’t concur with him?” 



Next, consider your enthusiastic responses to check whether they show vulnerable sides or unyielding fancies. Conclusions like “I’m in charge of his satisfaction; he needs me; I’m the just a single he has,” “On the off chance that I give in this time, he won’t weight me any longer” or “I’m so childish to hate his requests” are warnings. 

In case you’re feeling caught, startled, baffled, overpowered, irate or blameworthy, consider what triggers these emotions. Does your blackmailer treat you with chilling disdain, feign exacerbation, cry or yell? 

Record these contemplations for the last advance, making associations between his activities and your responses. With this mapped out, you’re prepared to end the cycle of enthusiastic extortion for the last time. 


7 – Set limits and talk up to end the cycle of emotional blackmail.


On the off chance that you’ve understood throughout these flickers that you’re a casualty of emotional blackmail and need to put a conclusion to it, what would it be advisable for you to do? Here are some last tips to get you on your way. 

For one thing, become acquainted with your limits. On the off chance that it’s obvious to you that, in the wake of mapping out your accomplice’s activities and your responses, her manipulative conduct is burdening you, at that point don’t push this aside. 

Rather, uncover further and work when your limits have been crossed. Along these lines, you’ll perceive when she’s going excessively far later on. You’ll likewise be better ready to impart your limits, so your accomplice knows precisely what you will and won’t endure. 

The manner in which you speak with your accomplice is likewise critical at this stage. Try not to assault her or be hostile: be getting, forthcoming and quiet. Express your lament that she’s disturbed, disclose to her you can comprehend why she feels that way, let her realize you regard her assessment however that you will need to settle on a truce. 



You can likewise be forthright and disclose to her that you won’t blame stumbled for anything and that it’s not the apocalypse in the event that you need various things. These announcements will keep your battle from raising while at the same time guaranteeing you remain firm with your needs. 

At long last, recall that it will require investment to change your blackmailer’s propensities and your relationship. Improved correspondence, new limits and cautious reflection will enable you to guarantee that you’re never again the casualty of passionate extortion. It might likewise be an ideal opportunity to leave the relationship is essential. Everything relies upon how much work you and your accomplice are happy to put into rolling out an improvement.


Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward, Donna Frazier Book Review


There’s no compelling reason to feel caught and overpowered by your relationship. By figuring out how to perceive the indications of passionate extortion and its effect on your life, you can start stepping toward going to bat for yourself, defining limits and making a change in your relationship. 


Tune in to your internal voice 

On the off chance that you have a feeling that your accomplice is as a rule absurdly requesting, don’t simply push that idea aside. Tune in to your sentiments and watch for responses of blame and dread. So as to go to bat for yourself, you must know when and why you feel weak. When you understand what’s happening, you’ll comprehend that you don’t have the right to feel that way any longer.


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Savaş Ateş

I'm a software engineer. I like reading books and writing summaries. I like to play soccer too :) Good Reads Profile: https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/106467014-sava-ate

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