Do you find it difficult to make friends at times? Or you argue with others and still don’t succeed to win them over to your manner of thinking? Do you feel as though your relationships with your coworkers and clients could get better?
Search no more– the definitive guide to defeating these distresses is here.
These book chapters have some of the key methods shown in Dale Carnegie’s self-help classic How to Win Friends & Influence People.
By making use of these basic, concrete methods, you’ll become a more likable, convincing and effective person, professional and leader.
Therefore, what are you waiting for? Read it to learn the secrets that have already assisted millions of people.
Chapter 1 – Do not criticize people if you want others to get to like you.
Popular airplane test pilot Bob Hoover was flying on his way back in San Diego for an air show when suddenly both of his engines stopped working. With some extraordinary flying, he was able to land the plane safely, saving those on board. Unluckily, the aircraft was severely ruined.
The cause for the disturbing engine failure was that the World War Two propeller plane had been mistakenly filled with jet fuel.
Back there at the airport, Hoover met the mechanic who had mistakenly done that. The young man was crying, understanding how angry Hoover must be due to the loss of his expensive airplane and the risk put to the three people on board.
Therefore, did Hoover shout at him? Reprimand him? Criticize him?
He didn’t. As a matter of fact, Hoover mentioned that to show his trust in the mechanic having learned his lesson, he’d like the exact mechanic to service his plane the following day.
The cause for Hoover’s kindness was maybe that he understood something that psychologist B.F. Skinner had found a long time ago: animals rewarded for the good act will learn very well than those punished for bad actions.
The same applies to humans: criticizing them won’t inspire them to alter their actions since they’re not mainly driven by reason but by feeling. Therefore, the person you criticize won’t really pay attention to what you’re saying. They’ll only feel as if you are attacking them, and their natural reply will be to dig in and defend themselves.
Although criticizing might allow you to blow off steam, in the long-term, it only makes other people like you less.
A lot of successful people really made it a routine to never publicly criticize others. For example, Benjamin Franklin asserted that the key to his success was to “speak ill of no man.”
Abraham Lincoln learned this too. He used to criticize his rivals publicly until a day his criticism really offended a person that he was dared to a saber duel! The duel was just canceled at the last moment, and from that point onward, he stopped publicly criticizing others. Also, during the Civil War, he famously told the people who spoke unpleasant of the Southerners, “Don’t criticize them; they are only what we would be under the exact situations.”
Criticizing a person is easy; however, it needs a character to be understanding and to forgive other people for their errors and mistakes.
Therefore, if you want other people to like you, ponder on the reason they did what they did, accept their flaws and make it a habit to never criticize them publicly.
Chapter 2 – If you want favors from other people, show your appreciation regularly and make them feel significant.
One of the powerful drivers of human actions is the wish to be appreciated by other people; all of us like being praised and hearing that we’re doing great work.
Few people even assert that the entire civilization eventually depends on the human wish to be significant. Our desire for approval and compliment makes us reach the highest mountains, write novels and establish multi-million-dollar businesses.
Nobody is insusceptible to this yearning for significance and appreciation. Think that even George Washington was partial to having the title “His Mightiness, the President of the United States.”
However, you don’t have to give a person a fancy title to display your appreciation. It’s okay to make use of simple words such as “Thank you” and “I’m sorry,” while at the same time giving genuine, honest praise.
Don’t shower people with pretentious praise, or they can sense it is fake. Rather, pause for a while and concentrate on the good points of the person right in front of you.
Also, ensure to make the other person feel significant. In order to get into the appropriate mindset, attempt thinking like Ralph Waldo Emerson, who mentioned that everybody he came across was superior to him in some ways; therefore, there was usually something to learn from other people and something to appreciate as well
Or consider the Golden Rule: treat people as you would want people to treat you.
Therefore, when next you come across an exhausted, bored, underappreciated service worker somewhere, attempt to make their day feel good with some appreciation. The example, the author, one time wanted to cheer up a bored postal worker, and therefore he said, “I definitely wish I possessed your head of hair.”
At this unforeseen compliment, the postal employee’s face brightened straightaway, and they had a pleasant discussion.
Leave small sparks of appreciation like this in your wake and you’ll be shocked to realize how positively people behave when their yearning for recognition is met. You’ll immediately become a person whom people like and love working with. Also, most importantly, you’ll have a positive effect on the lives of those that surround you.
Chapter 3 – Smile, if you wish you to have a good first impression.
One time, William B. Steinhardt a New York stockbroker chose to attempt something new on the author’s advice. Formerly a notorious grumpy person who barely smiled in his personal or professional life, Steinhardt dedicated to just be smiling more by having a pep talk with himself in the mirror the morning his experiment started.
He started the day by greeting his wife with a smile, after that smiling at the doorman of his building, then smiling to the cashier at the subway booth, then the traders on the trading floor and his coworkers at his workplace.
People started smiling back as well. At home, Steinhardt mentioned that there had been more happiness during the first two months of trying this out than in the whole year before it. Also, he discovered that at his place of work, grievances and complaints were really easy to handle, getting him more pay than before. In a nutshell, he was a richer, happier man.
As this example reveals, a smile can go a long way.
If a person we’ve only met smiles at us, we have the tendency to instantly like them. For example, the smile of a baby, makes us feel warm and fuzzy inside straightaway, also watching a dog wagging its tail out of complete delight at seeing us.
Therefore, if you wish to make yourself immediately likable to someone, reveal to them that you’re happy to see them by smiling at them. When they notice you are happy to meet them, they can’t help but be happy as well.
Also, as if this wasn’t a really big advantage on its own, psychologists as well have discovered a positive side-effect of smiling: it looks like the association between positive feelings and smiling is not a one-way street; intentionally smiling can bring about positive feelings, just like how positive feelings can lead to smiling.
Meaning, even though a smile doesn’t cost anything, you can make use of it to lift your spirits and the spirit of others as well. What a bargain!
If you’d wish to smile more however, you don’t feel like it, attempt forcing yourself: whistle, sing or maybe hum a tune! Behave as if you’re cheerful already and you will immediately see yourself becoming happier.
Chapter 4 – A person’s name is the pleasant sound they are familiar with.
Jim Farley father’s died when he was 10 years. He was the oldest boy in the family, he worked at the brickyard in order to assist pay the bills. In spite of never getting a lot of education, when he reached 46, Jim was already Postmaster General and Chairman of the Democratic National Committee.
Therefore, what was the key to his success?
Farley understood really early that people care more about their own name than any other name in the whole world. Remembering and making use of a person’s name was a subtle yet strong method to win them over, and this was a thing Farley was extremely skilled at. When the author questioned if it was correct that he could remember the first names of 10,000 people, Farley corrected him and said that he could mention 50,000 people by their first name!
Likewise, Theodore Roosevelt was famous among his entire staff because he made it a routine of greeting every one of them by their names. Also, he intentionally made time to pay attention to them and attempted to remember what they mentioned so he could go back to it after. He appreciated others by doing that, and he got a lot back in return.
Therefore, in order to a person’s favor make sure you remember their name and make use of it in discussion all the time. frequently.
The Third, Emperor of France, Napoleon was proud that the following method enabled him to remember the name of all the people he came across
Make sure you get the name when it comes up the first time in discussion and tell them to repeat it or even spell it out if required. Repeating it back to the person several times to relate it with the person to whom you’re speaking with. Lastly, when you are on your own, jot it down to enforce the memory.
Also, you don’t have to stop at remembering someone else’s name. The author made it his routine to know the birthdays of people he came across in order for him to could send them a letter or telegram to congratulate them. You can think of how appreciated the receivers must’ve felt, particularly when regularly the author was just the only person who had remembered!
Chapter 5 – If you wish to be interesting yourself, you have to be a good listener who is sincerely interested in others.
One time, the author went for a dinner party in New York where he came across a botanist. The author has never come across one before, the author paid attention to him for hours, captivated by the explanations of exotic plants and experiments. After, the botanist said to the host what an “interesting conversationalist” the author was.
However, the thing is, the author hardly mentioned anything at all. He had only been a good, interested listener.
Therefore, as it is, the secret of being interesting yourself is basically to be interested in others.
All of us love a good listener, particularly when they inspire us to talk about ourselves.
However, why is that so?
The New York Telephone Company did a research on the most commonly used phrases in telephone discussions. Can you predict the word that topped the list?
Humans are usually interested in talking about themselves, which is the reason we’re constantly delighted to meet a person who shares this interest.
Therefore, if you wish to be more likable and interesting, stop talking and only listen. Inquire others about themselves and inspire them to speak in detail.
When talking, the majority of the people are really preoccupied with what they themselves want to mention next that they hardly even listen to the other person at all.
Really listening entails making a conscious attempt to provide the other person your complete attention. And the advantages of this method are huge.
For instance, Sigmund Freud was well-known for his listening skills. He outshined at displaying to others how interesting he noticed everything they mentioned, and in return, they felt totally comfortable showing even their most private feelings and experiences to him.
Conversely, talking about yourself too much, not listening failing to others and regularly interrupting them will make you immediately dislikeable because these personalities show that that you’re self-centered.
Therefore, attempt listening. Ask the other person questions about their achievements and ask about themselves so they can discuss something they like, and you may be astonished at the profound connections you can make.
Chapter 6 – Consider what other people want and discuss what’s significant to them.
Do you love strawberries? Maybe.
However, assume you were to go fishing, would you bait your hook with them?
Definitely not, because in fishing what you want doesn’t matter. What is important is what the fish want.
Likewise, if you want another person to do something, you’re better off considering it from their point of view: how you can persuade them to do it?
For instance, the author booked a hotel ballroom one time to host a series of 20 lectures when all of a sudden he was told that the cost of the ballroom would increase up threefold.
Understanding that he would have to consider what the hotel’s management wanted, he wrote a letter to them, talking about the hotel’s advantages and disadvantages of increasing the price. For instance, he mentioned that by increasing the cost, the ballroom would be free for other occasions since the author could not afford to pay the rent; however, conversely, they would lose out on the free advertising they got from the author’s lectures.
Due to that, the hotel reconsidered and just increased the cost by 50 percent.
Another important piece of advice to get someone’s favor is to become informed and talk about things that are significant to them.
One time, a man called Edward L. Chalif wanted a favor. A huge boy scout jamboree was about to happen in Europe, and he required the president of one of the biggest businesses in America to pay for the expenses of a participant.
Before his meeting with the president, Chalif had heard that the president of the company possessed a framed check for a million dollars and was obviously really proud of it. Fortified with this information, he met the man; however, rather than beginning with the demand, Chalif asked about the check: Was it correct? Could he perhaps see it? He’d definitely love to be able to mention to the boy scouts that he’d seen an actual check for a million dollars!
The president of the company happily accepted, gladly repeating the story of the check.
After, when Chalif talked about the issue of the meeting, the man agreed instantly to pay for the expenses of not just one boy but five boy scouts and to visit Paris himself to personally show the group around.
As you see, people become really fond of those who talk about things that mattered to them, like their jobs, interests or million-dollar checks.
As another illustration, think of Theodore Roosevelt. Anytime he was about to meet a new person, he carefully got ready for the meeting by reading all the things he could about the other person’s interests. He was aware that the way to someone’s good graces is discussing the things they like the most.
And if you’re not certain about what the other person likes, bear in mind that there’s a subject everyone is interested in themselves. As Benjamin Disraeli mentioned, “Talk to people about themselves, and they will pay attention for hours.”
Chapter 7 – Evade every dispute– they cannot be won.
A man known as Patrick J O’Haire attended the author’s classes one time. He was a salesman for White Motor Trucks and really susceptible to arguing. Certainly, he enjoyed a good fight. If a customer mentioned anything aggressive about his trucks, O’Haire immediately started an aggressive argument, which he regularly won to his great fulfillment. However, the issue was that in spite of these “victories” the customers weren’t really purchasing his trucks.
You see, arguing with someone isn’t really reasonable. You lose the argument if you lose. However, if you win, the other person will hate you for hurting their pride; therefore, you still will not have really won them over.
Also, nine times out of ten, the argument will just make the other party more rooted in their view than they were before.
So, the only key is to evade such arguments from the beginning.
Therefore, the next time you fact opposition to your opinions, don’t begin arguing to boost your opinions; however, rather, attempt to accept the disagreement as something positive that brings a new viewpoint to your attention. Nevertheless, if two people agree on everything all the time, then one of them is unnecessary.
Also, be certain to suspect the first reply that comes up in you as it is typically an instinctively defensive one. And anything you do, control your temper!
Pay attention to what your opponent has to say without opposition or protest and promise to cautiously observe their feelings. Attempt to see aspects where you agree and think about these points while at the same time freely admitting if you have made errors. This will assist limit your opponent’s defensiveness.
Afterward, thank your opponent. In the end, you could just as easily consider them as a friend who deeply cares about the subject at hand and wants to assist you to get the appropriate outcome.
Lastly, suggest meeting again at some other time to allow both parties to ponder on it in the meantime. During this break, inquire yourself if your opponent could be correct and if your reaction is truly likely to yield the outcomes you want.
By remembering these points, you can evade pointless arguments.
Patrick J O’Haire as well learned to evade arguments, and the next time a customer told him that he like another brand of trucks, O’Haire basically agreed. Of course, this made it difficult for the customer to continue arguing, and therefore the discussion could then be redirected toward what was good about White trucks. Due to that, O’Haire was the star salesman of the White Truck Company.
Chapter 8 – Do not tell people they are wrong; they will just hate you.
When Benjamin Franklin was a young man, he was notably prejudiced and susceptible to oppose the people who didn’t agree with him. On one occasion, an old friend called him aside and told him that his friends were leaving him due to that reason.
In spite of his recklessness at this age, Franklin was clever enough to pay attention and made it a routine never to publicly attack others. Also, he even chose to totally take out some words such as “certainly” and “undoubtedly” from his vocabulary since he felt they were really rigid and showed an unbending mind-set. Rather, he used words such as “I conceive” or “I imagine.”
Now you see, anytime you tell a person they’re wrong, you’re essentially saying, “I’m smarter than you.”
This is a straight criticism on their self-esteem, and they will want to strike back since you’re obviously disrespecting their views.
Therefore, anytime you want to show your disagreement to a person’s view, choose a page from Ben Franklin’s book and evade complete words such as “It’s clear that…” or “Obviously, the case is…” These reflect the message “I’m clever than you,” and even if you actually think you’re clever, you shouldn’t openly show this attitude.
If you want to make the other party reexamine their view, it’s very effective to be humble and open-minded. For instance, you could say, “I thought differently however, I might be mistaken. I’ve been incorrect really often; therefore, let’s lets look at the information once more together.”
If you put your disagreement like this, the other party is very less likely to attack or hate you before giving you the opportunity to talk about your opinions. With a bit of luck, a soft tactic will immediately change rivals into allies, making it likely for you to change their views.
Think of the story of how the author appointed an interior decorator to create some draperies for his home. After, he was surprised by the amount of the bill, and when he told the cost to a friend, she yelled that he had obviously been overcharged. The author justified his actions since he felt insulted, clarifying that the expensive price was a sign of quality.
However, when another friend came by and gushed praise for the same draperies, the author could accept that he truly felt he had overpaid and regretted about the payment.
This positive tactic really disarmed him that he could easily accept his error.
Chapter 9 – Anytime you’re incorrect yourself, accept it immediately.
One time, the author was walking his dog Rex out in a close forest. Rex loved to run free and therefore he wasn’t putting on muzzle or leash. Unluckily, they met a police officer who harshly said to the author that this was illegal; however, that just this one time he’d leave them with a warning.
The author complied with him; however, Rex didn’t like the muzzle; hence very soon they went back to their old habits. Again, that same officer caught them again.
This time, even before the officer said anything, the author himself shows how deeply sorry he was, and how intolerable his offense was.
Usually, the officer would’ve most likely gotten angry and given him a fine; however, all thanks to this honest admission of guilt, he did the opposite: the officer started disagreeing that the little dog truly wasn’t hurting anyone, accepted Carnegie’s apology and allowed them to go on their merry way.
The reality is, all of us make mistakes. And anytime you do that and a person is about to criticize you for it, there’s a simple method to steal their thunder: accept your mistake.
This assists since the other party were certainly planning to strengthen their own self-esteem by criticizing you about your error; however, as soon as you admit your fault, the circumstance totally changes. Now, for you to feel significant, they won’t criticize you anymore; however, instead, they would show generosity by forgiving you. This is precisely why the policeman was really kind in the case of Rex in the forest.
Therefore, when next you know that you’re in the wrong, accept it enthusiastically. It will bring in better outcomes, and you’ll see it’s really much more pleasant than needing to defend yourself when the other person says your mistake.
Chapter 10 – For you to be convincing, start in a friendly approach and get other people to say “yes” as frequently as possible.
John D. Rockefeller Jr. was one of the most detested men in Colorado in the year 1915. Miners from the Colorado Fuel and Iron Company, which Rockefeller ruled, had been on strive for more than two years for higher pays. The outcomes were terrible: multitudes had been deployed and strikers had been shot.
Therefore, when Rockefeller had to talk to the representatives of the strikers, he must’ve been at a loss for how he could feasibly win over the people who just a few days before had wanted to see him dead.
He used a simple method: friendliness – his address glowed with it. He stressed how proud and glad he was to meet them and how it was a significant day in his life. He talked about them as close friends with whom he shared a lot of interests.
The miners continued to work without more word about the pay increases they had fought for really angrily. As this illustration displays, friendliness can make people change their views really effectively than bluster and rage; therefore, anything you are attempting to accomplish, be certain to begin in a friendly manner.
Another significant persuasion method is making people say “yes” right from the beginning.
Start by stressing the entire points on which you agree with the other party and ask questions that make them say “yes” severally. See it as building momentum in a billiard ball – it will be difficult for them to oppose course after all those “yeses.”
Conversely, you should evade making the other person say “no,” since they will be really hesitant to withdraw from this statement as soon as its made.
Also, for people in sales, several “yeses” can lead to more sales.
Think of the story of Eddie Snow, who backed some of the author’s courses. Mr. Snow was fascinated with renting a bow from a hunting shop; however, the sales clerk said to him this wasn’t possible. But, then the clerk starting receiving some “yeses.”
Clerk: “Have you ever rented a bow before?”
Mr. Snow: “Yes.”
Clerk: “You most likely paid about $25 to $30?”
Mr. Snow: “Yes.”
Clerk: “We have a bow-sets that is for sale for the $34.95, so you could really buy a set for only an additional $4.95 that the cost of a single rental, which is the reason we don’t rent them anymore. Is that reasonable”
Mr. Snow: “Yes.”
Mr. Snow didn’t just buy the bow; however, he also became a steady customer of the store in question.
Therefore, when next feel like saying to a person that they’re wrong, begin in a friendly manner and ask a simple question that will make them say “yes.”
Chapter 11 – For you to change other people, begin with commendation and shower them with more nonstop.
In 1896, when William McKinley was contesting for president, a speechwriter made a campaign speech for him which McKinley was aware would bring much of criticism. The issue was that the writer clearly assumed that the speech was outstanding.
Therefore, McKinley wanted it to rewritten; however, he did not want to hurt the man’s feelings or dent his enthusiasm.
Rather than beginning with a refusal, McKinley started by giving commendation, saying that the speech was superb and that it would be great for a lot of events. However, for this certain event, a different type of speech was required.
The outcome of this gentle beginning was that the speech writer’s enthusiasm was undimmed; however, he still went back home and wrote the speech again along with McKinley’s ideas.
This story shows a significant lesson: just as how a barber lathers a man’s face before a shave to allow the procedure to be more comfortable, so it is very easy for us to hear unpleasant things after getting commendation. Remember that anytime you want a person to make a change.
Nor should you end it at the first commendation. Make sure to encourage the other person and commend them for each development they make, regardless of how little. This will encourage them and make it look easy for them to make the change you want.
Think of the story of Keith Roper, who managed a print shop. On one occasion, he noticed material of a very high quality that had been made by a new worker. The new worker in question had therefore far appeared to have a bad attitude, and Roper had, as a matter of fact, been thinking of ending his employment.
However, now, Roper could go talk to the worker with genuine commendation. He didn’t only mention that the work was “good,” he also got into the details about the reason it was superior and what this signified for the company. These types of details make commendation feel more genuine.
The employee’s attitude changed totally into one of a committed and reliable worker.
As you can notice, people’s skills weaken under criticism; however, they thrive under encouragement. Therefore, when next you want to change someone’s habits, be generous with your praise.
Chapter 12 – When drawing attention to errors, do that indirectly and talk of your own mistakes first.
One morning, while Charles Schwab was walking along one of his steel mills when he saw a group of employees smoking directly under a “No Smoking” sign.
Rather than challenging the men directly about this violation, he gave them each a cigar and said he would like it if they smoked them outside. Since he showed their mistake really tactfully, rather than criticizing them, the men most likely felt a great deal of respect and love for Schwab.
You see, Schwab understood that calling attention to errors indirectly makes people really more open to changing their habits.
For you to do this, even subtle changes to your words can be okay. When next you plan to begin with commendation but then say “…but…” and carrying on with the criticism, think of how you could frame the criticism more softly with an “and.”
For instance, rather than telling your kid: “Your grades are looking good; however, your algebra is still lagging,” attempt saying “Your grades are looking good, and if you continue working on your algebra, it’ll immediately catch up!”
Additionally to this indirect method, you’ll see people more receptive if you start by mentioning your own errors.
For example, when Clarence Zerhusen found out that his 15-year-old son David was smoking, he didn’t ask that the boy stop. Rather, Zerhusen explained how he as well had begun smoking early and become really addicted to nicotine that it was almost impossible to stop, in spite of his annoying and continuous cough. The outcome of talking about his own error first was that David thought about it again and never did begin smoking.
How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie Book Review
In order to make yourself likable, smile, pay attention and remember the names of others. People long for appreciation, therefore, shower them with it and discuss what’s significant to them. Evade arguments and don’t criticize others as it will not assist you to get your way. If you want a person to change, be extravagant and generous with your commendation, encouraging them for every little bit of progress they make. Accept your own errors openly and only call attention to the errors of others indirectly.